A Cold and Delicious Treat

Your parents bought an ice cream truck music box just to get your hopes up whenever they drove around the neighborhood after work. #dysfuncfamproblems


It Takes a Village to Shame a Child

Each year on your birthday your parents give each other “Sincerest Condolences” cards to symbolize the death of their dreams. #dysfuncfamproblems


Hopefully, There’s No Place Like Home

Your entire family angrily blogged about the fact that they were forced to interact with each other when an oak tree took out your power line, and more importantly, your internet access. #dysfuncfamproblems


Trick or Trauma

Your parents made every night Halloween by alternately playing the monster in your closet and the one under your bed. #dysfuncfamproblems


Popcorn at a Funeral

The only movies your family ever watches together are tributes to the recently deceased at their funerals. #dysfuncfamproblems


What Doesn’t Kill You Ostracizes You

The secret diary of the bully who tortured you throughout middle school was just a receipt book cataloging payments from your parents. #dysfuncfamproblems



Your mom went on her CraigsList woman-seeking-woman date only to find your dad at the restaurant dressed in drag. Best date they’d been on since they got married. #dysfuncfamproblems


Premeditated Bedtime Story

Your father dies horribly in every fairytale your mother ever told before you went to sleep, even the ones she read from children’s books. #dysfuncfamproblems


Miles of Red Tape Before You Can Pass Go

Legal counsel and arbitrators are provided for anyone who needs them during a “friendly” family game of Monopoly #dysfuncfamproblems


Unless They Make It Through the Door..Mark Them Absent

Your parents made you go to school after police reports of a possible shooter to take bets on whether or not you’d make it. #dysfuncfamproblems

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