Dysfunctional Family Problems

What’s Eating You?

Your parents thought preventing childhood obesity meant starving the dog, harnessing you to a pole, and strapping raw steaks to your back for 10-15 minutes a day. #dysfuncfamproblems

Cradle To The Grave

Your family did community service at the local nursing home because the funeral invites were really the only vacations you all ever went on.#dysfuncfamproblems

Condoms

You thought your name was “an accident” until you were twelve years old. #dysfuncfamproblems

The Neverending Farce

When you approached your dad to ask if he went to Narnia when he was “in the closet” like mom said, he said yes, and that only the talking goat could “satisfy his needs.”

Assholes in the Outfield

(submission)

At the end of the little league season, your parents convinced all the other parents that it would only make sense if the team watched them burn the second place trophies. #dysfuncfamproblems

Let The One Without Sin Take The First Double-Shot

When your little brother spat back into the chalice during communion, saying that “real men” only drank Black Label, your father did nothing but grin and pat him on the back. #dysfuncfamproblems

Bathroom Politics

The only reason you’ve ever fallen asleep on the toilet is because your parents installed a lock that could only be opened from the outside. #dysfuncfamproblems

“In Middle America, TV Watches You!”

At one point during your childhood there were nannycams in most household objects even though you’ve never had a nanny. #dysfuncfamproblems

Blood-Letting

Your parents crossed out “dependent” on their tax forms and listed you as a “unsustainable useless money leech” instead. #dysfuncfamproblems

Leggo My Ego

Your mother bought a waffle iron just to burn the grid into your father’s clothes whenever she occasionally accused him of infidelity. #dysfuncfamproblems